My family and I have
been lifted up on a wave of condolences this past week. Last week I blogged
about my mother Marion’s death. Today I write about her life. Next I’ll write
about her suffering.
Following my mother’s
death on Valentine’s day morning, I asked lynn to put a chicken and a roast in
the oven - anticipating feeding my family later in the day. When I got home, I
pulled the chicken from the oven to check it. Without thinking I lifted the lid
with a knife and without oven mitts.
I managed to scald
the back of three fingers on my right hand pretty badly. At the time I thought
“this was a Marion move”. My mom was always burning herself or cutting herself
in the kitchen. She was the ultimate mult-tasker – always in a rush, always
juggling three things at least – one of the ways I’m like her.
The burns have been a
stinging reminder this past week of her death. The pain represents not only my
own pain of loss, but a reminder of the physical pain she lived with daily. The
burns have been slow to heal. Each time I bump them and feel the sting – I
think of mom and the fact that I won’t be seeing her eyes sparkle again,
hearing her laugh, receiving her hugs and encouragements…
It’s so easy to slip
back into my routine of busyness and multi-tasking and not notice the open
wound of my heart. The swamp of exhaustion that I keep running into – that
extra pull of gravity on my limbs – that drag on my brainpower – that empty
hole in my stomach - reminds me that something is going on inside.
For the most part my
emotions seem as frozen solid as the ground outside my door. Sure, tears
streamed as we sang “How Great Thou Art” and prepared to take her coffin from
the church. But since then – whenever I try to dig down deep – I hit frozen
ground.
Two weeks ago, when
my mom was still laughing and eating and heading off to church, I purchased
some audio recordings of Stephen Jenkinson. On his Orphan Wisdom website, you can hear him
talking about how we live in a death-phobic culture. His teachings are an attempt to unwind this death
denying and devaluing culture. He leads us towards the recovery of a more
natural, grounded, courageous, open-hearted approach to death and dying – and
so – to living.
I know my mother was
not afraid of what’s next. I’m sure she was expecting a passage and not a
slipping into oblivion. The reason I know this is because of the way she lived.
Heaven was not just a happy delusion to push away the fear of dying. She
brought heaven into her living each day.
The first evidence I
offer is the power of Joy in her life.
Her joy was both as
hard as a diamond and as fluid as water.
It was the rock at
the bottom of her suffering – a depth she plunged more than most of us will
know. And it was what bubbled up from deep inside to reveal the beauty of her
nature – her best – her truest self. This joy was in the music she played and
sang and in the humour she used to face each new challenge.
Jenkinson says “to
die well is to set the banqueting table - the table where the stories will
spill out and be shared.”
Marion was the third
of five children born to Luella MacPherson and Charlie Jay. She was their first
daughter and so trained in the arts of making a home by a mother – whose
talents were legendary. While her father and older brothers tested their
theological skills at the dinner table, she learned to provide for the body –
leaving the great work of soul-care to the men.
She found a mate who
could hold his own at such a table – and they replicated the pattern ably set
by the MacPherson-Jay generation.
From the choir loft,
Marion seemed to pay careful attention to her father’s, her two brother’s, her
husband’s, and her two son’s sermons. No – this is not the source of her
suffering I referred to earlier. But you might begin to get a sense of her
endurance capacities.
Marion saved her
eye-rolling for dinner table. Her humour could always bring the conversation
back to this world – and the matters at hand. Just recently I caught her giving
my dad a run for his money with a wise-crack. And I realized “Hey – that’s
where I get it from!” So, if you’re ever on the end of one of my smart-ass
replies – just remember - it’s my mother’s fault.
And she would blame
herself before she’d let anyone else place scorn on her offspring. She was a
mother bear when it came to defending her son. Even when I knew I deserved it –
she would not hear of another’s complaint against me. Thus, she modeled the
unconditional love I’ve always enjoyed. The comfort of knowing there’s at least
one person on this planet who loves me – who sees me as I am – and loves me
still. God – for me – is a Mother.
Marion reserved the
right to correct me for herself. Mom would always praise me for my efforts –
then point out that if only I tried “thus or so” I might improve. I have both
rebelled and responded to her constant nudges – and expect I will continue to
perform for her now that she’s gone. Parents are typically our god and our
judge in our childhood. But even after my parents fell from grace in my mighty
adolescence – when I attained the throne– Mom and Dad held up pretty good.
If you’re going to
have a inner critic – I recommend you find a kindergarten teacher. Her nudges were always gentle and given with
as much warmth and encouragement as she might offer any tender-hearted four
year old. Marion returned to her trade of teaching when my younger sister was
old enough to be at home – after school - without her. I remember going to help
her set up her kindergarten class before the school year started. It was where
I gained an appreciation of the importance of a good learning environment.
She instilled and
nurtured my lifelong love of learning. And while my Dad modeled the preacher
and pastor for me, it was my Mom who made me a teacher and a writer.
This was another
insight I gained just in these last months. My father’s influence on my life’s
path has always been evident on the surface of things. I’ve followed in his
profession and gained much insight into the work from his advice and counsel.
But now that I’ve made the middle-aged shift from the survival dance to my
soul’s dance, I see more and more of my mother’s ways emerging.
Hospitality is a role
I’m coming into. For sure I’ve taken it for granted. But more and more I’m
attracted to its arts.
My artistic skills
are at a kindergarten level – but I value the “play” in it – and can hear my
mother’s laughter and encouragements and her sense of imagination and fun in
every serious effort.
Teaching is in me.
But teaching done not from a book, with marks and threats to keep one grinding.
But learning together, with songs and finger-paints and sand-box jostlings to
get along as we explore the boundaries of a world where we seem so small and
fragile. And yet - our imaginations take us to the limits of what we think we
know and lift us beyond to discover small lessons with great significance.
It was over coffee
this fall – practicing always the art of conversation - when I was telling her
of my struggles to find my next steps. Marion said to me “You just need to
follow your heart Allan.” It was as if I’d heard this advice for the first time
and I realized she’d been telling me – and showing me – this all of my life.
And then I saw it! She’s
the reason I’ve gotten into so much trouble over the years! With advice like
that from childhood on – it’s no wonder
my head has lost out so often. The choice to follow my heart has led me down
many troubling ways. It has caused me to speak truth when it would have been
more politic to remain quiet. It has caused me to risk greatly when a more
reasoned approach was wanted. And it has provided me with the richest life I
might have imagined.
To share my heart is
to share what god’s given. And to share my heart is how my mother taught me to
live. With heaven close and not distant. With the ancients singing in our ears
and their footsteps keeping beat in our hearts. Letting the love that is abundant
and true chase fear and judgment from our ways.
Jenkinson says that “death
is the cradle of your love of life”. I can feel my Mother’s hand gently rocking
that cradle.
1 comment:
Thanks for this love message which will enrich many a life - as your mother would have wanted.
Love,
Jo
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