I am going to write about my mother’s life. But first I need
to write about her death.
I am intrigued these days by the art of dying well. There is
much in our culture that encourages a fear and even dread of death. But deeper
still is an instinct that calls us to walk with the dying as they prepare for
the ultimate transformation.
Last Wednesday was
when I knew things had changed with mom and her path had turned towards death’s
door. My sister Marilou called me. Dad had called her to say that Mom was once
again in trouble. She’d had several bouts of vomiting in the last two months
due to bowel twists. Two trips to the hospital and one to the surgeon who’d
done the resection told us that there was really no treatment for a twisted
bowel besides lots of fluid and no food.
When I arrived at
their apartment, Mom’s look from the couch as I came in told me this time was
different. She was distressed, but also her colour was different. She’d become
increasingly gaunt as elderly folks do, but there was something else. It was a
look I’d seen so often in palliative care hospital rooms. Was it in her eyes?
The biggest change
was that she’d lost the ability to talk. She could only point to where her pain
was and then slip off into a restless half-sleep again. Perhaps her spirit had
already begun its metamorphosis. It was as if she’d begun to cocoon.
Dad read to her from
his novel which quietened her. And Dad and I chatted about a mid-winter respite
weekend – a train trip to Montreal for the two of us. A bit of denial happening
there – the last defense of the suffering. Maybe hearing this, she was making
plans for her own trip.
I watched Dad feed
her what was to be her last dinner. I’d hauled her into a sitting up position.
It caused her obvious pain to sit up and I aborted the idea of getting her to
the table to eat. Watching dad spooning food into her sitting on the coffee
table, encouraging her, touched me. The love they shared was a tangible, physical,
earthy, love grounded in serving one another’s needs.
After that – until
she was gone - she would only sip a bit of water and take in a bite of food,
mush it up in her mouth for a while and then spit it back out.
Thursday morning I
was at the Credit Union with Lynn setting up our new business account. Luckily
we’d arrived separately so when Marilou called again – I was able to take off.
The nurse at Princess Gardens had called for an ambulance. Dad and Marilou
didn’t want her going to the hospital again for another bout of tests and being
told “there’s not much we can do”. So
I charged over to the rescue. As Marilou said later “if you want someone to block – allan’s your guy”.
Like an offensive
lineman I arrived just as the paramedics – two twenty-something women - were
about to transfer mom from her bed to their gurney. The Princess Gardens nurse
was with my Dad in the other room. The next ten minutes were a few of the
toughest of my life. Negotiating with these professional caregivers whose job it
is to save lives – convincing them to not do their jobs – and let my mother die
in her own bed – just about tore my fucking heart out of my chest.
One of the paramedics
was tearing up – I could feel the salt of her tears stinging my broken open
heart. And the nurse was red-faced – obviously
not a happy camper. But my Dad was calm and clear and backed me up every inch.
He told these young women. “Marion and I have talked this through and are not
afraid of death. And besides” he told them, “the Princess Gardens motto is “if your needs change – your address doesn’t
have to.”
This last quote was
for the benefit of the young nurse. Her supervisors were both out of the
building and she was out of her depth of authority. She went and got the Do Not
Resuscitate paperwork and showed me the box where my parents had ticked off
which actions they’d accept. “Send to hospital” had a check beside it.
But once we’d got
past their defences. Made it clear that we knew what we were doing. Talked
through all the possible medical procedures and options available – and they’d
talked to my sister, the lawyer, on the phone – they really shifted.
One paramedic told us
about her grandparents and the tough decisions her family was facing. The other
young woman talked about how usually there’s no one at the nursing home to stop
them and so – following protocol - people end up in hospital as the default
place to die. Breaking through that protocol took some doing but they ended up
being very supportive of our decision, and wishing us well, and blessing us
with the caring hearts that took them into this profession. Their shift from “professionals”
to this very human-to-human touch was a part of this transformation story.
I was in full
over-functioning mode. I’d been there before with family crises. A high
rationality takes over with me. Emotions go somewhere else. My inner “engineer”
surfaces. I am calm and articulate (“verbally
dominant” as one observer has described it) and working six steps ahead of
what the situation really requires. I can end up doing other’s jobs for them
and have learned to reign in – a bit – out of compassion for people who are
trying to deal with this large imposing man with his white male priviledge
cranked up to maximum.
As we discovered,
Princess Gardens was more than well equipped to deal with death. I spoke with
the Director of Care that evening and we met Friday morning. Mom had spent a
restless night but still was not responding except to open her eyes for a few
seconds, give me a helpless look, and fall asleep again. Brendan took us
through the process of how the residence could help. Everything from a hospital
bed in her own room, increased dosages of medications, and even coffee and
sandwiches for the family. Dad was calm and collected as we discussed the
preparations and what we might expect. He told Brendan, “You’re talking to a
couple of pastors. We’ve been through this with many families.”
Something in me
resisted being the one being helped. I wanted to be the helper- the
professional providing calm and assistance, compassion and comfort. A wave of
exhaustion rose from my toes and by the time it got to my head – I was glad I
was sitting.
Marilou arrived,
having cancelled a mid-winter weekend retreat. I’d advised her to go. I was
sure that this process would take weeks - our mother is one tough customer.
I’d used a technique
on Marilou I’d often used with folks caught between their own needs and the
needs of family – asking “What would Mom tell you to do?”
“She’d say – Marilou
I need you. Get here as soon as you can.” was her reply.
I laughed an
acknowledged the truth of it. Marilou was the one my parents called when they
needed help. Never mind she was in Ottawa and I was just ten blocks away. They
knew Marilou would worry until their needs were met. My “every little thing’s
gonna be alright” attitude was fine to smooth the waters but when you wanted
action – call Marilou.
It took some time for
the increased meds to arrive. In a way – it was one of the blessings of the
dying well process. It meant that Mom was more awake and aware (although more
restless). When her granddaughter called from Victoria, Mom was able to hear
her on the speakerphone and tell her “I love you”. Same thing when brother Ted
called from the Houston airport on his way home.
Dad sang hymns to
her. It calmed them both. I’m sure of it.
I headed home Friday
evening. Once the nurse brought in the sub-cutaneous locks to provide Mom with
the pain-killers and anti-anxiety drugs on a regular two hour basis, I felt
that we were moving into the next stage. Marilou and I and our spouses had a
quick chat about arranging shifts for the vigil. I was still sure it was gonna
take some time. I knew that she could slip away at any time - but I also had
lots of experiences of people with strong hearts lasting days and weeks before
finally letting go.
Granddaughter Miriam
offered to take the night shift of the vigil. I’d come back first thing in the
morning.
Lynn and I arrived
just after seven. I took off my coat and boots and looked in on mom. She was
sleeping – her mouth open and head to one side. Lynn scared the wits out of dad
who was coming out of the washroom as she was going in. He’d just gotten up.
He’d told Marion he loved her – said he’d noticed her breathing - on the way
through to his morning routine.
We were sitting in
the living room comparing notes about the night when the nurse arrived and
slipped past us to check on mom. She was back in a minute to tell us she was
gone.
I was so surprised.
And I was so relieved.
And I looked to Dad.
He took it sitting down. “Well” he told the nurse “She’s been my Valentine for
62 years. Valentine’s Day is an appropriate day for her to go.”
I called my brother
Ted. It took four tries to wake him. Their plane had come into Toronto at
midnight. I told him. He cursed and said he was on his way.
Marilou arrived
minutes later. The four of us went in and had a prayer with Mom’s body. Each of
us wept. We sang a chorus of Hallelujah (not the Leonard Cohen version) and
Marilou lit a couple of candles by the bedside. My Dad placed a small wooden
cross over her heart. I brushed her hair.
The rest of the day
was a blur of phone calls. My parents (another blessing) had pre-arranged their
funeral services in Bobcaygeon before moving to Peterborough two years earlier.
Thankfully most of the decisions had already been made. We just had to put the
plans in motion.
Yet another blessing
was how well my brother and sister and I, and our spouses, worked together. Not
that we agreed about everything. But we treated one another gently and with
humour. As the middle child it is my role to poke fun at my siblings whenever I
see a chance to get under their skin – but I did my best to hold it check –
only somewhat successfully.
I can’t say enough
about my Dad. He is often described as a gentleman and a real pro when it comes
to pastoral care. When the nurse took the wedding rings off my Mom’s fingers
for us, he explained. “The three diamonds on the ring stand for Faith, Hope,
and Love – and the greatest of these is Love” - quoting 1st
Corinthians 13.
He was loving to the
end. The bond between them deeply rooted in their walk as servants of the Lord
Jesus Christ. They were a team in all they did. They modeled for me a way of
living true and simple. The faced every challenge with composure and wisdom. In
all things they sustained a sense of humour that bubbled up from the source of
a deep joy that is bottomless and neverending. In this world and the next.
We’ll celebrate her life later today at Cambridge Street
United Church where Dad last served as associate minister in the nineties.
I’ll be writing in my next blogs about Her Life, and then
Her Suffering. Lessons learned from my first love.
No comments:
Post a Comment