You know the
experience when you become aware of something, something gets on your radar,
and suddenly you start noticing this thing all around you?
You get
interested in a made and model of a car you might purchase – and suddenly you
start noticing them on the road when before they were just part of the traffic.
You get
diagnosed with a disease – and suddenly you start hearing about others with the
same problem when before you’d rarely heard of the problem.
Well, maybe
it’s just because I’m going through a divorce right now. But it seems to me
that the United Church has a proportionally higher number of divorced people
than the general population. Or, is it just George Street Church?
As I reflect
on the effects of a broken marriage, I wonder how it also affects my faith in
the power of love? How does it affect my faith in the power of the God of love?
For years and
years I was a true believer. I believed that if I just loved my spouse enough –
that would get us through our troubles. When my love seemed to fail, when it
seemed in short supply, I tried to improve my love skills. I read books. We
sought the help of Counselors. I sought the help of Counselors. I worked on
sorting out “my” crap and learning how to not mix it up with “our” crap. I
learned about triangulation and how to keep our kids out of the disputes. I
practiced letting go of the small stuff and keeping focused on supporting and
caring for one another – making time – taking time – making love.
I’m still
sorting out what happened. Over two years later I still deal with bouts of
shame, of loss, of blame (me, her, us). What is see clearly now, through the
fog of all these messy emotions, is that I was under an illusion that love
could overcome all.
My estranged
daughter’s 24th birthday followed a week later by another Father’s
Day empty of appreciation brings the circle of pain round again.
So, what
happens to us when we experience not only our own failure – but the failure of God to help us solve, sort out, heal, fix,
reveal or redeem our troubles?
I think we can
go the route of some Christians and just drop the idea that God is an active
force in the world. That our prayers are simply expressions of what is best in
us – sent out into space like songs with only a human audience. Sometimes it is
powerful just to hear ourselves put things into words and speak them out.
But the idea
that we humans are the lone intelligence in the world, to me, is the ultimate
hubris. Poet priest John O’Donahue opens my eyes instead to worlds upon worlds
filled by a Creator creating endless beings of heart and mind and hope.
Such a Creator
holds – among so many other capacities – the capacity to act as a loving
Father, an invisible friend, and the whispers of a wise Sister. Miracles happen
all the time. What we call miracles are simply expressions of the fact that our
human experience is limited. The doctrines of science we get taught in the name
of “truth” simply serve to put boxes around our imaginations. We learn to
divide experiences between “real” and “unreal”, “good” and “bad” and in so
doing simply diminish the divine capacity each of us has to reach beyond definitions
to grasp wonder and send our hearts free into the eternity present in every
moment.
Nice poetry
maybe. But what about when we hurt so bad the entire universe collapses into
the searing pain of tortured body and soul? Where is the Big Daddy then?
The story of
Jesus spending 40 days in the desert is a story of lost illusions. In meeting
Satan, he faced the temptations of calling upon God to cure his hunger, to make
his path easy, to test the power of love. (Luke 4, Matthew 4)
Instead this
desert wanderer and Shaman walked empty handed from the power of such illusions
to invite his people into the path of the suffering servant. Echoing Isaiah’s
call, he claimed an authority born in every human. For those blinded by fear of
consequence to see that fear not pain is the enemy. For those imprisoned by our
mistakes to walk out of the “beds we’ve made” into a new day made free by the
one who needs broken hearts more than hardened hearts. Release for those whose
green and growing promises of future days shared - have become chains to a past
turned to stone.
The power of
love is the power that moves among us when we pursue the dignity, the freedom,
the vision of a life shared. When we find ourselves diminished in the path
we’re on. When we are no longer rooted and growing from a place of dignity and
authenticity but somehow transplanted by duty and fear of consequences into a
half-hearted servant self – how is that what a God a love intends?
The Bhudda
says “all life is suffering. Yeshua of Nazareth says “follow me” as he walks
away from pleasure and peace towards the suffering of neighbours, strangers,
enemies, lovers. The power of love is truly revealed not as it lifts us from
suffering but as it empowers us to keep turning prisons into schools, swords
into ploughshares, enemies into those who teach us the limits of our thirst for
love.
So why not
stay and suffer through? Churches have often been the source of such advice.
Such churches also teach the fear of God’s wrath. Tell people to live small and
scared lives in pursuit of a perfection not found here on earth but perhaps in
some illusion of a heaven free of humans.
The miracles
of Jesus were to bring people from the sidelines of life into the circle of
community. When I finally saw that my choices to stay were in fact crippling my
soul and making my family worse, I stopped asking God to help me stay and
instead sought the divine dignity within to help me leave. And God sent angels
with skin on.
And there were
demons too. My faith that God sends help when we fearlessly pursue life’s
goodness and joys, has been affirmed. The goodness and joy of life is what
feeds my creative fire to create an expansive, inclusive Church.
My God did not
send Jesus to suffer on the cross to pay eternally for my mistakes.
My God sent
Jesus all the love and joy he could contain. So much love that it spilled out
of him in word and deed. So much love that he was unafraid to walk into
suffering to free us from the prisons of guilt we dwell in. So full of joy that
he was unafraid to live for love and pay the consequences.
On the other
side of a broken heart lies a world of people unafraid to risk again. They know that a bad marriage is worse than
the pain of divorce. They know, as all who pass through the desert hungry and
scared know, that God stirs up the pot of love in this world when we let go of
our white-knuckled grip on duty and open our hands to what life offers next.
The temptation
to return to the illusion of peace - is to return to the helpless hope of
waiting, waiting, waiting for the rescue that never comes. It never comes
because it’s waiting around the corner for us to walk through the valley of the
shadows of death, to discover the miracle of each new day.
1 comment:
The world needs more of this mature kind of spirituality that isn't all about "sweetness and light" but can find God in the good, the bad and the ugly. Alleycat, this is your most powerful piece yet... very moving, so transparent, gritty and inspiring. Thank you.
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