My last blog,
quoting from Dostoyevsky’s “The Brother’s Karamazov”, evoked a passionate
response from a friend. She’s not only a friend but someone I respect as an
Elder (and not simply a Senior).
“After reading this excellent blog, I
am left with the ancient Question echoing yours, is there room for Woman, not
"Man & God", not "Mankind", but the rest of us, the
other 50%, who yearn for words that support our inclusion in the church's new "flow"?
Like for instance, "Humanity", or "Humankind"?"
"And yes, there are many women who "don't
mind", who are so used to the mental gymnastics necessary to turn
"Man" into "both of us, of course", that they overlook the
sheer arrogance, the rudeness that one would never use to respected equals. But
I have to wonder what is it costing them in self-respect, in their deep-down
knowing, in their assumption that they too belong."
"Why don't ministers emulate Jesus and His
treatment of women, which in my limited study of the matter seems different
from the rest of the Bible in inclusiveness.”
My first
reaction was to blame it on Dostoyevsky. The sexist language was his – and I
was simply quoting. Good deflection – except that I regularly translate
Biblical quotes into inclusive language as a matter of habit now.
If I don’t
open myself to my friend’s pain and frustration at the language and try to make
excuses, or just expect women to do those extra mental gymnastics, aren’t I
just part of the problem?
I like to
consider myself a liberated male (as I sit writing, my partner Lynn is hauling
firewood into the cabin). I’ve even claimed a “feminist” analysis as my own.
And of course, to get defensive here would be to miss the socio-political
arguments in a confusion of personal confession. But here I go anyway.
As a green
student-minister I talked my way into a self-designed Internship at Trinity St.
Paul’s UC on Bloor St. in Toronto. I lined up the funding and had to convince
their community outreach minister, Patricia Lisson, a diaconal minister, to
take me on and supervise me.
She was about
to launch a drop-in for single mom’s called Common Ground and I could tell she
wasn’t enthused about having this large middle class white boy tagging along
and cramping her style.
Maybe the
opportunity to teach an eager green young man about feminist power and politics
in the church was too great a temptation. She agreed – on the basis that the
Revered Malcolm Sinclair would share the load and supervise me for the other
half of my time with them.
While Malcolm
shared his muse and passion for preaching; giving me tips on stance and vocal
projection that I use still, Pat put me to work doing childcare.
Sheila, who
ran the drop-in, instructed me to make myself useful and keep my mouth shut.
I’d thought digging ditches and hefting endless bags of cement was tough work, ‘til
I was given four toddlers to entertain for a few hours. A new respect (awe
even) for single mothers grew from those physically and emotionally exhausting hours.
I remember a
chat with Patricia in her car driving to get supplies. She asked me why I
wanted to be a reverend. I’d probably thrown her some lingo about being in
solidarity with the poor and how I wasn’t interested in the status of being
clergy. Her response took me by surprise.
“You’ll be a
white, male, ordained clergy. Don’t try to pretend like you don’t have status
and power. If you want to be of use, make sure you use that status and power to
make a difference. Not using that power is an abuse. Mis-using that power is an
abuse. Using it well is worth pursuing.”
Trying to
pretend that the words that come from my mouth, or typing fingertips, don’t
make a difference is worth a reminder from friends loving and brave enough to
give me a jab in the ribs.
The great
divide between men and women is a fascinating one with many routes across. My
dreams and inner journeys took me for years in search of my intuitive, feminine
self. It was quietly waiting beneath the mostly fear and adrenaline-based male
macho shell I’d crafted in adolescence.
I’ve had to
find all kinds of techniques to actually “feel” my emotions. It’s not that
those emotions aren’t there – it’s just that they’ve been desensitized by years
of cultural programming (and probably some genetic differences (deficiencies?).
While men
claim to be more rational and less emotional, I find that women are generally
better at balancing the two. Men’s dominant reliance on reason is dangerous.
Subverted
emotions seek out expression. Men’s (and my own) range of emotional expression
is too often channeled into one wide river called anger. Anger training taught
me that anger is not an emotion but a reaction to emotion. The root of anger
being fear.
Do men so
often express anger in women’s direction because they fundamentally fear the
power of women?
I think so. In
my experience women are the stronger of the two sexes. Not just because of
their higher birth survival rates and higher pain tolerances. And not just
because the human race relies on their reproductive capacities for survival. And
not because of the female pheromone’s that can make men’s so-rational minds
muddy, and muscled stances weak-kneed, oh so quick.
But mostly
because I see that the world I want my children to live in is a world of peace.
Because women generally have a wider range of emotional options at their
disposal. Which, along with equal doses of reason and intelligence, can make
them more balanced, and so – wiser human beings. This makes women, in my
opinion, not only better clergy, but better politicians, community, legal and
business leaders too.
Men (generally)
have to go a further distance to get to this place of wisdom. And so men do
their best now, and through the ages, to maintain an upper hand. It’s either
that, or end up doing childcare, which is way too tough for most of us to
handle.
Is this
reverse discrimination? Am I putting women on a pedestal? I do find all women
beautiful. I confess that I’m much more likely to have a soft spot for a female
opponent while I have more trouble finding redeeming qualities in the men who
challenge me.
Is this
patronizing? For me, I have come to know that to be a better man, I must
embrace the qualities within me that are feminine. And to participate in the
peacemaking, I need to meet all others first as members of humankind. Next, I must
drop my assumptions and generalizations about what qualities lie behind the
male/female façade. Finally, to always open my heart as well as my mind to the
incredible diversities of humanity god loves.
It ain’t easy
for a large, verbally-dominant, middle-class white boy to get that kind of
soul. I’ve got a lot of wandering to do yet. Thankfully I have elders to help
me out.
1 comment:
“Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. ”
― Paulo Freire
I like where you ended up as I think that is a fantastic jumping off point. If we tear down the social construct of gender what possibilities would that open? Where do the transgender (look at that spell check doesn't even accept transgender as a word!), 2-Spirit, and intersex people fit in this musing?
Thanks for this and so many other shared reflections!
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