Been thinking
about incarnation. About how everything – every weed, every tree, every bird
and squirrel and doe and fawn and rock and waterdrop frozen into a snowflake –
how everything has the potency of the divine in it.
If God is
already “in” all things, then how do we “await” the advent of God’s arrival?
The calendar says it’s time to be awaiting.
Simone Weil,
the radical Jewish philosopher turned Christ-lover conceived of a god whose
presence is so full that it allows nothing that is not god. For Simone, it is
only as the divine withdraws that creation can fill the void.
From where
does she get this? From the same source as her vision of Christ – in the midst
of a fierce and piercing migraine attack. In her mind’s eye, when her amazing
reasoning powers are pushed off the table by the power of pain, she experiences
a presence beneath the veil of what’s what.
I spent some
time on my day off sitting beside and below the 3 bros falls. It had rained all
day the day before. And then it snowed - and those uniquely crafted frozen
water crystals had stuck to every drenched surface and coated it with a blanket
of wonder. Every branch was blessed white. On top of every grey and black underlining was a frosting.
You couldn’t
look at what last week was grey and evergreen –
now transformed into white, white, white everywhere on everysurface of
every thing – without it touching that place of wonder in you.
To wake up and
look out and see it - was to be opened up to childhood wonder and awe – to have
the sponge of a child’s mind/heart again.
Even my supersaturated adult mind had room to soak up that breath-taking
sight. Heart and mind fused with soul to create Wonder.
This also
meant that the 3 bros falls were in high flow. The thousands of watershed acres
of forest and marsh and highlands trickled and flowed and filled the Burnt and
Irondale rivers that meet just above the falls.
Drawing near,
you first feel the thunder reverberating in your chest – even before your ears
pick up the roar and hiss of white water. When eyes connect with the source of
this rush, wonder strikes again.
Is this wonder
what we are waiting for? Is this natural beauty the source of lifegiving hope
we yearn for? The first glimpse of a new babe. The way mind stops calculating
and breath is caught midstream – eyes widen to take it awe in.
The river
overflows with excitement and hurry. It feels like the rush of streams of
shoppers, the spinning of revolving doors, with muzac filling that white noise
space between the ears where second thoughts might rise.
Down below the
third falls I wander and find a place to sit in the sun. I get as close as I
can to the power – this unstoppable power. And as I draw near – it never fails
– fear rises.
To be so close
to such a rush of power evokes an anxiety from somewhere deep beneath the
layers of cloth and skin. It rises up in me like the mist from the falls. I can
feel it climb up my spine and spray from the cerebral cortex into the top of my
skull. It’s an instinctive fight-or-flight kind of fear. My body reacts -
nerves pull me back, make me want to withdraw. It’s unsettling.
And that’s why
I love it.
It’s rare that
I really feel the fear in me. I’m sure it’s there every day. I’m sure it’s
stored in my cellular memory. I’m sure it flows in my blood. I’m just rarely
conscious of it.
I’m so good at
“dealing” with it. So good at using mind over matter to conquer the anxieties,
the unanswerable questions, that get triggered every day. This mental juggling
act allows me to function, to tackle the world, to put on the coat of
confidence that gets me out the door.
Or am I really
dealing with it?
How many times
each day do I miss the god-moments? When I’m busy figuring out the best thing
to do, the best thing to say, the best thing to buy, the best way to be a
follower – how many times do I miss the wonder and awe of divinity in each
thing and person?
Unaware of the
effects of anxiety at work in me – how pre-occupied am I by the unstoppable
threats of this world thundering down around my ears?
The threats
never stop. Sometimes the flow slows a bit. And then disaster strikes again. If
it ain’t in the lives around me, then it’s just a reach for the radio dial or
computer keys away.
And so are all
the ways to distract my attention from those threats. Just as close as the fear
are the amusements and merry-making that help me, if not forget – at least cope
with that ever-present anxiety.
From beneath the
layers of my middle class security, a fear rises up. In the face of an
outpouring of the world’s pain – I need to get in touch with that fear.
Fear is as
much a part of the Christmas story as the wonder. It’s a violent threat of the
Roman empire that dislodges the pregnant family and sends them scurrying. It’s
a jealous Herod who’s looking under every star for who’ll next threaten his
white-knuckled grip on a ruthless power. It’s a life and death question -
giving birth in a strange shelter far from the securities of stockings hung by
the fire.
And so my
journey towards the Advent of a Messiah must include getting in touch with that
ancient fear so very present in the empires of today.
Because what I
discover – by the discipline of staying – just for a while – with my fear. By
resisting the impulse to run and draw away. By sitting close and noticing –
just how scared I am. I discover something even deeper in me.
In the rock.
In the earth. In the beating heart of my mother earth’s womb there is a
strength and a security that is older and more powerful than all the daily flow
of stress that threatens.
For thousands
of years this rock has provided the channel, the crucible, the course for this day-by-day
flow of uncertainty. The rock beneath the flow is shaped and worn and broken by
the flow – but its unmovable presence is the ages answer to the changing
seasons on the surface.
And in this deep
dark crucible I connect with the spark of courage – the divine creative spark
that evokes a rekindled joy. It sends me once again into the flow. Into the
void of god-answers that might save us from the pain, I walk again.
I’ve shed
another year’s skin of insecurity. And by simply once again getting in touch
with that fear in me, I’m more aware than ever of the passing nature of that
fear and the enduring nature of the love I serve.
And so maybe
today I’ll notice god in the moments and see the wonder at work among us.
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