All Hallowed
Eve is a thin time. A time to open our minds and hearts to the presence of
saints. Protestant tradition says that all (of us) who pass across the veil of
death are “the saints”.
One such saint
has come close by in this last week. It was a song that stimulated the
connection. A line from a song in fact “I still haven’t found what I’m looking
for.”
Whenever I
hear that song and that lyric, I think of my friend John Chang. On a canoe trip
on the French river he sang that song, among others, from his heart out into
the woods and waters. “From the heart” is the way John lived every day.
A year later,
on the same river, he drowned in whitewater. After capsizing and making it to
safety, he went after the paddle he’d made in our shop. Without a lifejacket,
the current took him, and he was lost to us who loved him. Or so we thought…
In his
grandmother’s huge modern Korean Catholic church in Don Mills, we celebrated
his life. I was honoured to be one of those who shared stories about John. What
was remarkable about that event was the incredible diversity of folks present.
John’s network, his community, his “family” spanned all ages, creeds, colours
from all across Toronto.
I was struck
by how many different people – very different people - told me that John was
their best friend. That’s how I felt about him too.
I first met
John at Danforth Baptist Church. Among the enthusiastic lovers of Jesus in that
crowd – John stood out. I’d finally just got comfortable with praising with my
hands held high. And over there in the sanctuary I saw this young guy so
totally immersed in worship that his spine was bent back like a willow. His
face and whole being were raised and glowing with love.
When John
turned that smile your way, the hardest heart had to smile back. When he let
out one of his high-pitched long giggles – it tickled your ribs until you just
had to join in a belly laugh along with him.
I’d never met
anyone more enthusiastically in love with Jesus. He was unafraid in his desire
to share his lover’s tale. And he wanted to know – genuinely wanted to know
what your/my relationship with the divine was all about?
John started
up a landscaping business employing psychiatric survivors and became a part of
our TCV woodshop collective. Monday mornings he’d have a story about some
neighbourhood church he’d visited looking for Jesus in all the right places.
And he’d have stories about looking in all the wrong places too.
He’d have made
a new best friend in a pub, bar, or club - trading soul stories and connecting
from a place of passion with whoever crossed his path. He’d be amazed at how
GOD was working in people’s lives - whether they knew how to articulate it that
way or not.
When John got
really drunk – he’d speak in tongues. I remember wandering streets heading back
home from a night out - he’d break into tongues of praise - dialoging with his
Maker about his unspeakable joy.
And of course,
a heart so open to joy was also open to sorrow. We’d share our anger,
frustration, and despair at the broken relationships among churches, among
community agencies, among politicians trying hard to do the right thing - but
failing in the face of ego and greed’s mighty distractions.
John was
searching for a way to serve his Lord. Trained as a landscape architect, his vision
was to make community using the same artist’s touch. He loved to turn an
abandoned lot into a garden with a rich diversity of plants, stones, and found
objects. He’d do it by drawing in the talents of wounded people and wounded
healers – whoever GOD sent his way. We were his materials.
John looked at
entering the professional ministry in the United Church. But of course no
church could hold him. His love was so much bigger and wilder and footloose
than any institution could accommodate. He was homeless in that way. It
troubled him and drove him to keep searching for that elusive “what I’m looking
for”.
That joyfilled
sorrow. That homeless searching. That curious heart’s invitation to the
stranger. These are notes in the song I still need to keep singing as I paddle
along. Is it lost to me with John’s absence?
Early last
May, Lynn and I pushed our kayak into the white waters at 3 brother’s falls. A
wave curled and plunged into the boat capsizing us. The icy waters were a shock
and the current pulled us towards panic, but we managed to get ourselves and
the kayak to shore.
Adrenaline
pumping - I saw the paddle we needed to get back to warmth and safety - circling
in the rapids’ eddy. Without a lifejacket I stumbled out into the river’s rocky
bottom to get it. As the current pulled me off-balance and my footing slipped -
the adrenaline pushed me - to reach just a little further - to get that
important paddle…
And then John
came to mind. And I stepped back. And I let the paddle go – trusting instead that
we would make it home without it.
Was it just a
memory kicking in? Was it just a lesson learned the hard way? Or, was John with
me then? Was that saint making his presence known to keep me from harm’s way.
To keep me alive and working and searching on?
Isn’t that
what the saints want? From their God’s eye view into today and the future –
don’t the saints want us to live and live well? Aren’t they singing GOD’s
praises into our hearts and giving us signs to go by every moment of every day?
Most of the
time I don’t notice. Lynn was the one who said to me - when I told her how John
had come to mind… “He saved your life in those rapids today.” Most of the time
I don’t notice how the saints save me from despair, save me from mediocrity,
save me from the rapid running fears that would freeze and suck me in.
Most of the
time I don’t notice. And then, once in a while, a thin time happens.
Y’know?
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