Four in the
morning is the underbelly of the day. Too late for most late night Revellers.
Too early for the Earlybirds. It belongs to those who are without the healing
peace of sleep. When the city is still. When only the odd cricket sings. There
stirs a drama of unspoken words, thoughts, emotions that come alive only when
the tough hide of the day, when the categories of what gets named, who gets
paid, and how people seem - is gone, like the sun, somewhere else.
While the
coffee drips, I perform a small ritual. I take the three boxes of empties; wine
bottles and beer cans left over from our housewarming, across the street for
Bill to find. It's a pittance of an offering. It rids me of the task of taking
them to collect the deposit. But to Bill, I figure, it’ll be a sweet find.
I first
noticed him a few weeks ago edging along the sidewalk with his walker. Stooped,
small, and bony wearing hand-off clothes that hung too big for his skeleton,
Bill held onto that walker like he was on a tightrope. And then - he let it go!
He left the sidewalk and ventured up a few concrete stairs in from of the
apartment building beside the Rooming House. He had my attention!
Then - when he
left the stairs and crept around behind the wrought iron railing – stopping to
get his footing as if riding a storm-tossed ship – he half-stepped his way down
the steep grassy embankment to get to street level behind the low stone and
steel fence. I wondered at his dare-devilry.
Bill stooped
and lifted the prize. An empty. All that effort for an empty! I was amazed at
the dedication to his chosen profession. And when he lifted the can and drained
the dregs down his gullet – I saw the savage thirst at play in Bill’s day-to-day
struggle to make a living. His Holy Grail was the next drink. His daily
adventure was the quest to slake that thirst – and it took all he had – body,
mind and soul.
Perhaps the
boxes I left would deprive him of the satisfaction of the hunt? Would they
steal away the pride of this valiant knight’s quest? Would this cheaply given
charity cost him – or would he give a shit? Pride is for daytime.
The Hero of
our story, of every Quest story, of my story and yours, must – at some point - leave
behind the daytime categories of the status quo.
If s/he is to
heal the wound, restore the peace, conquer the dragon, tame the demon dis-ease that’s
possessed the land, s/he must cross into the underworld.
And before
this adventure begins, a visit to the Wise Ones is in order. S/he cannot go on
this quest unarmed. The sword and shield (diploma and resume) that serve in the
daytime world are not enough. The trusty battle horse (or SUV) are not capable
of crossing into this watery domain. Other-worldly tools are required.
Monday, I took
my ass up to Carnarvon, to the creek that runs between Little and Big Hawk
Lakes, to visit SoulWinds where my teachers live. It was winter the last time
I’d been there. Then, all was frozen and sleeping – white and grey. Now the
green energy was exploding in colours everywhere I looked – greens and reds and
all hues of the spectrum.
I had
questions for them. I wanted something solid to hold onto as I ventured into
this world of artistry and unemployment. I thought that I needed some missing thing,
some tool I lacked, some unknown weapon that they could give me to take on my
way.
Nope.
What they offered
was what we all come equipped with – but perhaps take for granted. Air, Water,
and Sunshine.
Ayuna reminded
me that when I’m trying to float in these dark waters, I need to inhale deeply
enough to expand my lungs - to make me “float”. When I “exhale”, when things
become smaller and tighter - when I depend on my thinking, when I let my brain
control my breathing - the short, small, gasps don’t feed my larger self. When
breaths come in short pants like weekly paycheques – me holding my breath
until…until…until – then my body is starved of the juice it requires.
When I let my
brain compute my existence. When I let my persona become categorized by a
title, a job description, a series of labels that describe my worth. When my
value gets calculated according to the daytime marketplace exchanges of the
coin of the realm – my soul becomes deprived of the oxygen that is free of such
small, defined and confined restrictions.
My soul is fed
by the four winds that surround this blue green planet. They bring the
unforeseen surprises of each day. They bring the weather. Whether or not I want
it - notice it or try to ignore it – the winds bring me the opportunity to
inhale their expansive free life-giving gift.
But if I
forget to breathe deeply, if I’m too caught up in the costs and calculations of
the “what ifs”, if I’m worrying away my day without NOTICING this one true free
opportunity to feed my soul, my bloodstream, my muscles and sinews and yes - my
brain with this elemental food – then I’m depriving my self and depending on an
oxygen-starved, overworked computer to get me thru this week’s battle.
Water. Water.
Water. If I’m to swim in this dark watery graveyard where Professions die and
Job Descriptions Rest in Peace, then I need to keep hydrating. Seems like a
simple bit of advice. As if I could go without drinking water. But most of the
liquids I consume have been commodified, quantified, fortified and sold to my
media-conditioned tastebuds. The water that I need. The water that my soul
requires is the springwater that bubbles freely from the earth. It’s offered up
elementally to complete the cycle. What falls from the heavens must rise to the
occasion of each moment.
My cells cry
out in thirst for this most basic desire like Bill’s bloodstream cries out for
the next dose of alcohol. I can pollute my body with all of those seemingly
“necessary” fluids that I “want”. Those “wants” only weigh me down, keep me
pounding the pavement for the coin I need to scrounge for my next drink. Or, I
can source the free drink offered body, mind, and soul that helps me float in
this watery underworld where I swim towards the questing.
With these
gifts - not given but revealed - as my own – as my birthright, my entitlement –
just like all god’s creatures that grow, Ayuna sends me off. The trick is – to
not let my mind trick me into thinking I’m poor when all about me is the freely
given gifts I mostly am too busy to enjoy.
My teacher
Brenda equips for me the daytime battle. Practiced in the art of
Transformation, she tackles the dismantling of categories that no longer serve
the Spirit. She often works with Clergy and the Covenanted ones who’ve given
their lives to religious institutions. She shines light into the dark corners
of habitual thinking that might feed the ever-voracious mind of the academic elite
- but not the starving body of Christ that have wandered off in search of soul-food.
She is a camp
counselor of the soul. Her workshops and retreats encourage hungry souls to
come out and play where god’s spirit lives wild and free. To see and open our
imaginations to what god is doing now - instead of thinking about “What went
wrong?” is to enjoy a day lived outside the walls and “boxes” safely lived
within. With these eyes we find we are also able to “see” when the sun goes
down.
If the sun has
set on this Christian era, then we are in the dark hours before the next dawn.
Lighting candles can provide the comforts of an artificial glow but better yet
is the waiting in the dark. Listening for what the dark has to say. Listening
to the dreams of the saints who have lost the ego desires of their days and
instead sing silent choruses of ancient truths.
In these
silent vigils we are visited by emotions long suppressed in our busy days. In
these silent vigils we encounter forgotten stories we’ve been too fearful to
bring to light. Perhaps unseen and unspoken - but they’ve been pulling our
strings of desire for so long we don’t see how we are Marionettes of desires,
dis-ease, depressions, addictions and habits. Those invisible strings are
resilient and not so easy to cut as one might think. In fact, thinking and
talking about them only brings them to light. To rid oneself of them is an
underworld quest.
These old old
stories of shame, of broken hearts, and innocence lost - work on us from darkened rooms in the houses
of security we construct. We wonder at how these unseen strings are stronger
than the willpower we daily muster to “control” our needs. It seems I’m in
control if I just keep working, keep going - faster and faster. I will just leep
consuming and calculating and accumulating until…until…until…
To truly value
the gift of sunlight. To truly value the gift of each day’s opportunity to live
well and to live fully alive - we must venture into the dark and be awake to
what it has to say.
I wish I knew
what I was talking about. These are only whispers from the sages of the ages.
I’m just starting off on this quest. My teachers have been there to meet me and
send me further and further on. When I return from another cycle they smile and
encourage me with questions. I fool myself into thinking I know next what to
expect while all the while these teachers are showing me how expectations take
the juiciness of the growing.
What even the
wisest ones can tell you are only freeze-dried versions of the truths one must
discover in the world without categories, without judgements, without the
comforts of four walls, plumbing and electricity. Just add air, water, and
sunlight and ingest.
It’s daylight
on the porch now. If the steady stream of individuals across the street needing
off-market remedies for the pains that “ail them” ever slows - I’m gonna go get
those empties I left for Bill. I might need them to help pay for this
networking busyness breakfast I’ve got lined up later this morning.
Charity…however cheap…begins at home.
And Bill might
need the hunt more than he needs those empties.
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