Thursday, April 19, 2012

Can't find Easter's promise today

In post-easter conversations the last two weeks, it's come up a few times. People have told me that they have not been able to forgive themselves. 

It's not why we were talking. These were comments dropped by the way - asides to the subject we were on. Yet the Holy Spirit has turned those quiet comments into a full fledged cry in my soul. 

Why have faithful Christians not been able to find what the Church offers up in the magnificent song and ritual and stories of Easter? 


how we carry our guilt
instead of cross-ing over to the promised land

we stay on this shore holding onto burnt failures
instead of reaching today’s bright flame of living light

how we just can’t seem to
find the way to forgive ourselves

even when no one else is judging
and the whole world has let it go

the grass, the trees and the wind don’t care
but just keep growing, tumbling towards tomorrow’s today …

in the fearful face of this moving towards who knows what
we clench a snapshot in time

and engage in masochistic torture of our souls
yesterday’s tale pinned...
I am the devil cat to my own mousey soul

How I love to play 
with the exquisite pain of guilt

the sting of regret
the white hot self-hatred

wakes me to the living hell
of god’s will gone wrong
the taste of death's blood in my teeth

somehow it seems more real than
the promise of green and growing that can’t be held or gripped 
because there is no stopping its eternal ever one-step-away from now

like babies that won’t stay as cute as they were before I blinked
and there’s not enough snapshots to capture their unfolding 

living can’t be grasped
only shared

and even death is not an end
as decay feeds what’s coming

and love is fluid
and hate is molten

so guilt is the only thing I can put in my pocket
like a worry stone
a pebble in my shoe

I’m so sure - of nothing more than "I’ll never live down"
what the wind has long forgotten

She whispers
She howls
She calls me to drop that stone to the riverbottom
and join the flow
unafraid, free and laughing


for to love life's free unburdened flow-ering is god’s will
and the imagined devil’s defeat

Easter season musings
April 18, 2012

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