My first thought on waking up to this grey day was “Oh Damn, another Day.” Where did that come from? Usually I greet each day a nod and a thanks to my Maker. Was I dreaming about heaven and disappointed to find myself still spinning on this planet?
I am tired. Very tired.
Holy Week wore me out. Lent was a long uphill journey. Holy Week was the last leg up to the summit of Easter sunrise glory. Now I am rolling, tumbling, stumbling back down the hill exhausted wondering where the heck Jesus is taking us now that he’s a spirit. He was hard enough to follow when he was skin and bones.
When I get tired I get obsessed with the end of things.
When is this bus ride ever gonna end? Are we there yet?
At times like this I love to scrape out the last of the peanut butter, finish off the scraps of food left in the fridge, finally finish that book I’ve been reading, pay my bills, do my income taxes even, get everything in order for the big finale…enough already God – let me off the merry-go-round.
a prayer from South Africa
You asked for my hands
that I might use them for Your purpose.
I gave them for a moment,
then withdrew them for the work was hard.
You asked for my mouth to speak out against injustice.
I gave you a whisper, that I might not be accused.
You asked for my eyes to see the pain of poverty.
I closed them for I did not want to see.
You asked for my life that you might work through me.
I gave a small part that I might not get too involved.
O God, forgive me for my calculated efforts to serve You
only when it is convenient for me to do so,
only in those places where it is safe to do so,
and only with those who make it easy to do so.
O God, forgive me, renew me,
send me out as a useable instrument,
that I might take seriously the meaning of your cross.
I keep forgetting why I never did manage to self-destruct in my youth. Back when self-destruction was my hobby. I keep forgetting that I let go of my life and gave it to You Lord.
You took it, full of pride and self hate, talents and troubles, humour and anger, and gave it back to me along with a vision of something to live for. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. God I hate this world. I hate how the innocent suffer. I hate how everything comes apart just when it seems like it’s all coming together. I hate how the proud are unassailable in their power – wealth and tools that could change everything but instead just make things worse and worse. An awful surge of despair overwhelms me and that old weeping returns – the purge of pain within me that is awful and holy at the same time. God’s touch deep within me triggers my hate -it erupts and I can do nothing but weep like baby. A baby with cholic – that’s sad and mad and nothing can soothe it.
The itunes music set to random on the laptop is a sweet gift. Ruth Fazal’s violin takes my sorrow and surrounds me with it and God is close by – present – powerfully stirring the coals of life in me. Nicole Nordeman sings “I wish the Same for You” all about trying to explain the gift of grace – “something to hold on to”. Now the Dixie Hummingbirds are singing about “When I go away”. As much as I know that I am to discover heaven here on my doorstep, I do find comfort in that sure knowledge - one day the clouds will break - “I’m going home”. If those guys can keep singing and going on then maybe I can get my butt in gear and keep doing what I do. Three gospel songs in a row from a random mix of hundreds of secular tunes– artists telling me that I am not alone – God feeding me from Her sweet tit.
and thy thoughts shall the world’s famine feed.
and each word of thine shall be a fruitful seed.
and thy life shall be a great and noble creed.
And if the day doesn’t suck enough already, it’s time to go to the dentist for a long overdue cleaning. That plaque has a way of building up on the soul too eh? Nothing like a good cleaning – painful and uncomfortable as it is.